Pearl.

When you’re done with sitting at the moon.
Dangling your feet into the see ,
With the sun at your back humming it’s song and with the shines stars when You talk about something unrealistic.

When things have destroyed you enough.
Then You find peace Here !
When you sit next to her and talk about the things you want to , She might not say anything but that’s good because she will not be judgemental.

It would sound awkward but Yes ! It feels like She understands.
Even the non living things you see everyday, you use everyday and you just want them to be there in your life makes sense then why won’t something which just sits back and listens to you till when you’re done with your rubbish thoughts.

I share my day with her , but you know what’s the best thing about her ?

She doesn’t stop me in between or doesn’t say Why didn’t you do this or why didn’t you do that ?
She listens to everything like She’s even more sensible than the human beings present around me.
Her eyes tells me a new story everytime and she may not give me answers , She may not tell me the best conclusions but it feels like she agrees or what I say and she makes me believe in myself that Yes I am doing right or vice versa.

She’s so innocent that she doesn’t even know how many times I cry in front of her and she isn’t able to come out and hug me like Don’t worry I am here like a back up plan for you. I will not just stand by your side , I will give you my wings and will help you to fly far when you will be done with yourself.

She’s so humble and Intelligent that she keeps on looking me and holding my finger till I end up with my annoying rants and she continuously stares at me till I don’t make an eye contact with her.

She starts yelling at me if I leave her alone in another room , if I feel like I should not give my negative vibes to her but she’s the only one who doesn’t let me feel alone anytime and asks me to join her.

It is the cutest relationship which exists between two of us that we don’t say anything to anyone and kept on looking at each other like Why do we actually exist and what’s the theme of our life ?

Sometimes it feels like , Some day she’ll get annoyed and she’ll start speaking like why the fuck you stay upset everytime.

Can’t you see me ? I am there for you. Because I have seen the anger on her face when I speak rubbish about myself.

She is as precious as a Gold jewelry and as needed as the last piece of chocolate pastry left in the bakery.

From her bright colour to her sharp eyes.
From her feet to her feathers.
From her sweet gestures to the way she slays when she listens to the songs I love the most.
Everything is so good and Amazing.
She always gives me a new reason to love her more.

Not because I am the dominant person or because she can not speak or She’s a Bird.

Her chirping is even more powerful than any swords.
But because She has understood me according to what I am not what people want me to be.

These all things might be as stupid as they sound but for me when she exists everything becomes sensible.
In a world where people can’t even accept their mistakes so how will you expect from them that They’ll accept you as a person ?
That’s why She’s the love of my life.
Because she has accepted the Kid who’s always been backstabbed and who has always suppressed her feelings to ingratiate others.

But for now and forever she is the only definition of my love.
She’s not a bird or parrot anymore because she’s important to me even more than the people who surrounds me.

“Her Cage isn’t just a cage, It’s my boundations of love.
And her name isn’t but Pearl She’s actually a one.”

~Pearl.

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PRIORITY.

Saturday morning when I woke up , It was off due to some reason and I saw a nightmare. I wanted my mumma to be there for me but she wasn’t there because I woke up at 3.45 a.m in the morning.

I was afraid of something which I knew will never happen.

I saw my mom dad keeping me away from themselves. Was that my fault that I saw a nightmare or I woke up earlier and wanted her to be there but I found nobody around me because I knew if I had paid efforts then they would have said why don’t you sleep on time or why do you use your phone late night ? ? So , I turned my back on the other side of bed and tried to close my eyes forcefully yet horribly.

It took me almost 2 hours to come out of what I was feeling. I took a step out of my bed it was a Sunny day so I thought of taking a shower first. I don’t know whether it was for real or not but it was very rare that I went to take a bath rather doing my usual stuffs. I was about to come out of the bathroom but I realised that something’s not Okay. There was a Spark in the geyser and with a blink of an eye , I got surrounded with smoke or some smell that something’s burning. I couldn’t breathe properly. I was worried because I couldn’t come out and the first thought I had was mumma will get tensed perhaps I don’t care about living or dying!

Somehow I came out , and it might not be a big deal but I wanted to scream and hug her so tightly and to know that the fear I felt inside was not real and she’s there for me. I just spoken that This has happened inside and she started shouting at me. Like Did I say something unpleasant?

Or where did I go wrong if I couldn’t come out of the bathroom. Was it my fault that I felt I should take a bath first ?

Haha! It might sound witty but I started shivering and sweating within a minute. I tried to calm myself and the hurricane which was taking place inside my brain , I stopped it. But Tears were flowing like someone has left the tap opened. Was it my fault that I am still a kid and I need my Mom Dad as much as I need oxygen ?
Ironically , Our generation has understood the value of our parents and guardians before realising any Heart break or something.
But surprisingly , They feel that we don’t value them. A normal observation on any social media shows People gives first priority to their family that is Their Mom and Dad.
I Don’t know why does they feel that we are doing Okay without them and we don’t need them anymore. Won’t we understand anything without getting scolded or Our day will not be completed if they’ll not yell at us.
I mean is it our fault ?

That we need them because we have realised that there is no one in this world who can take their place.
From our basic needs to our every unnecessary demand which they are supposed to fulfil.
But is it our fault that we’ve taken birth in this generation so everyone’s is criticizing us like we don’t care about anyone and all what matters for us is Food , Shelter and Money.

Is it our fault that there are no such words to describe how much important they are , they were and they will be no matter where we go or what we do in our life because they’ve stood up for us throughout all the circumstances of our life.

To the most pure Angels on Earth :

A home is not composed of the people living in it but also the true emotions and the efforts which they pay to stick by each other’s side.
My family starts at you and you complete me.
When I was busy in finding your streets , I got my destination.
The thread of my life is in your hands.
While finding the true god or faith , I found you.
I have found my entire being by finding you.
I have found everything by finding you.
It was difficult but Yes the path is much easier now because We are together.
Because you’re the HeartBeat and I am your heart.
You’re the first and last breathe and I am your respiratory system.
You’re the tree of last hope and I am the only fruit.

You’re allowed to be miffed , And I will not utter a single word.
Because While finding your smile I found my real happiness.
You’re the best pathway of my life and I am your soul.
While finding the foot prints of yours I found my entire being in you.
I have collected all the gems from everywhere just to reach you.
Have covered all the hurdles just to make you feel I am the one.
Because while I was fighting for you , I won the best Trophy and has come across with the only possible Victory of my life.

I love You Mom Dad!

The Apology!

Though I also believe in the common sayings that if someone wants to clear things and sort out the issues which two people are having then we should not exaggerate the whole situation instead we should just go with the flow and say *It’s Okay*. 

Life is too long for holding on grudges , and tbh why to hold on anything , even a single emotion for those who doesn’t even care about how deeply it hits you when their mood changes because of some pitty reason , and awfully you’re not the reason behind. 

Ya I believe in it completely that such things which we may take lightly can affect the other person adversely. Because everybody has not got the same heart , it might hurt them but aren’t you taught to behave or to control a little bit of your aggression , anxiety and the reasons why you over react on the issues which can be sorted by few strings of words.  

Apology , Huh! 

As I said , I completely agree to the context that keeping your ego aside and not thinking too much about the situation we can easily keep it simple. 

But isn’t it similar as breaking a kid’s toy and then having the audacity to say Aww! Sorry , I will gift you a new one. They will say they didn’t actually mean to break it or they didn’t do it intentionally. Perhaps , they might adore you with a newer and better toy with an apology. But what about the relations which that Kid had with the same toy which has been broken now. 

What about the emotions which they hold for each other , Like keeping the toy with him while sleeping and talking to it whenever he or she feels low. 

What about the attachment which the kid had with the toy. 

The over nights when he used to sleep after talking to it. 

What about the if it was his very first toy and he will never be able to forget the memories which he has made with him. Like  whenever his mumma asked him to finish his meal , and he slightly took a piece of it and asked his toy would you also like to have some ? 

The imaginary scenarios in which they too used to live has now been stuck. 

When you are actually into someone or you actually want people to be with you then you take care of them like a soft toy. Precious and Unbreakable. 

But that doesn’t give any intuition to the other person like you’re allowed to hurt the other person without any reason.

Even though I had my reasons to be miffed or not to talk but still I was wrong I know. It’s alright. I am so sorry. I am extremely sorry. I apologize for the mistakes which I  Haven’t done. But that one specific day or moment , heartbreak or something makes your heart shatter in little pieces so that even a glue stick won’t help or a plaster cast. 

 I don’t usually walk off but I get used to of   which is being done by people nowadays. Saying ‘ leave ‘ won’t sort the situation know. I have never asked you for anything unless choosing your words wisely and unfortunately or fortunately they always fail to do that.

I never said , like I can only say it that I am bold person. I can do this and that. But when someone breaks my Heart. I feel like I am having cramps all over my body. Like I am Deaf or I am not allowed to speak because the other person must be right , Right ? 

But why doesn’t this same thought hit the other person who’s actually doing this all. 

I was dying to talk , I always do. 

To talk to those who does mistakes and then leave because they feel it was not their fault. 

Though, I still ignoremy moods , My issues and everything just to put a smile on other person’s face. 

I always end up with consoling people even if I was the one who needed to be consoled. 

I don’t know if this has happened before or not but this really broke my heart when I noticed the pain behind every apology which people ask for ans then they contradict and proudly says , I’ve asked for an apology why don’t you understand or why don’t you forgive me. Huh! 
Why doesn’t people understand that they aren’t supposed to repeat the same mistakes.  People make mistakes even I make mistakes I agree but I deserve this treatment , I Wasn’t actually aware. 

I am a forgiver , I always take it easy because it doesn’t actually bother me as such. Though , You’ve adapted it. 

But little did people know or they should know , 

‘That apology is given to those who does mistakes , Not to those who breaks your HEART!’

INNOCENT.

When I think of those who said they are so innocent that they don’t even know how it feels to break someone’s heart.

They made you happy , They made you cry , they made you feel every little essence of love and they also made you feel how it feels when reality hits you so hardly.

They made you learn that you have to sacrifice everything if you want to have something surprisingly they made you heartless while you only offered them was your pure and large heart with no such expectations.

Though , we can not always trust roadblocks and the delays there might be some beautiful destination awaiting for us after that. That’s why I have paid more than enough , I lost my everything just to take care of their happiness and their ‘something’ which is important to them.

I have lost my Heart for buying Love. 

If they asked for a star , I have offered them the Whole Beautiful twinkling Sky! 

When they asked for a flower I have greeted them with a bouquet or a colourful Garden!

If they asked for a glass of water , I have given them the whole ocean.

Little did I know that I am doing wrong because I should’ve stopped diving ocean for those people who don’t even deserve a cup of it. 

“It was as similar as I could go moon and back for them and they will still have the audacity to say that they didn’t ask me to do so. ”

The people whom I couldn’t let feel alone for even a single moment have been dispersed now. 

I don’t know where did they go or it was only me who was trying to save the relationship and was holding on for too long.

And now that I think , they might be too innocent that they didn’t know which impact will their leaving leave on me.

They were too innocent that they changed their priorities just with a mere inspiration and expiration.

I used be to selfish when I get hurt by door or get any jerk , I feel even Bodyache is better instead of feeling this throbbing ache at a specific moment. I feel so tired when I get Bodyache So I internally assume that being on rest or having Fever is still better than this. When I feel so restless or when I get sick or get fever than I feel it’s better to feel pain or any sprain instead of this restlessness.

And like this I always used to find positive reasons behind someone’s heart breaking tone , stupid attitude or every thing which made me upset. 

‘They’ the people who used to say we will never be separated have been changed in just a second! 

We will always be together. We will prove everyone what it means to keep the promises and words.

They were too innocent that they become something which I couldn’t imagine , just like a monster behind an angel’s face.

They were too innocent that they broke my heart by saying I am just trying to please everyone and it will be good for everybody including me and them , and I trusted them.

They were too innocent that they said they will never say a Good Bye ,  yet left me like a last bite of a meal. 

There was a time when they used to say their world lies within me , that is they can’t see anything beyond that. 

A scenario where we used to be together, the evening time turning into peaceful nights  ,  the beautiful sunsets and the sky used to sparkle even more beautifully.

The drops of that relationship has been drained and all what I can sense is the mud beneath it. Even though if someone asks me that why does this happen , why did you two stop talking to each other , Why did the bond which people used to say *You’re Soulmates* , which was unconditional and was so pure that even a word purity couldn’t explain it so well , Or it was just you or the one who’s reading this who was saving the person as well ass the Bond. 

You know I could destroy them the same way they destroyed the walls around my heart and let their way inside it so that they cpuld shatter it in small pieces , but I couldn’t because I had the mentality that  they were too innocent for me. 

They were innocent because they once was the sweetest words ever existing on my lips but on the same time they was the poison killing me softly!

Was it something forceful that only I feel this that’s why I am writing ? 

They used to come like breathes and now they have been lingering in the atmosphere with me I guess.

Just in a blink of eyes they changed!

They used to say You’re reason why I am living or will die , Little did I know I will be the most helpless or will be left without asking for a reason after a time.

Huh!

Anyway , this question or this thought still lives in my heart that if someone meets them or by mistake someone talks about us to them then please ask them where did I go wrong ? What was the mistake that even a lot of apologies couldn’t work. I didn’t do any murder although.

And if they were too innocent then why didn’t they innocently whisper in my mind that they are also from those people who will just LEAVE whenever they will be Done with me. 

Even though they left me alone screaming and surrounded by the weeping and bursting clouds , Yet they were so Innocent and they will always be!

Let me heal.

I was a girl who loved everybody irrespective of their qualities. I used to live as if it was my last day on planet Earth and smiled as if I had got everything I had ever wanted. I waved at people so enthusiastically that it used to turned they mood on.

I never craved for a life like this. I never wanted to be the person I am.

Everybody loves me when I am happy and having fun with them. But they don’t come on the days when I feel down.

And yes! They only are the people whom I loved unconditionally. I won’t blame them because it was my mistake , I let them destroy my life by getting closer to them, believing in them.

How do you feel when the person you love the most leaves you without even uttering a word? How would you deal with that? Would you also move on and react as if nothing had happened? Everybody must have different answer to this question. But where does it matter? Nobody will ask you about the feeling , the emotion, the agony you are suffering.

There was a time when I did not have to learn how to make friends , it came naturally. Actually , I should have asked my mum how to make real and everlasting friends. Probably, she should have told me.

I am at that point of life where I do not trust anybody, I don’t want to meet friends and I don’t feel like I have to live. 90% part of me wants to die Every. Single. Day.

But I can’t give up.

I can’t commit suicide just because handful people broke me down.

I can’t let them make me feel like this.

I just can’t!

I should have understood that day when one of my close friend broked me little pieces and did not even try looking back to see how I am doing. I am not okay and I will never be.

The thing that matters is that I am happy about the things I have learnt. I have learnt how to live a life in which nobody is mine. I have learnt how to be happy even when there is no reason to be. I have learnt from the core of my heart how not to trust anybody.

Well, not every friend of mine is like this. Some are sweet,they do care for me sometimes. They do ask me if I am okay or not and the moment I said I was fine, they believed it, without noticing the pain in my heart and the loneliness in my eyes.

Somebody had said quite well;

There is no one who cares about you,

If anyone does, they don’t spoon feed you.

I face mood swings terrible ones. Maybe this is the reason why nobody sticks with me. Obviously who would like to be friends with a person whose life is getting Messy day by day more and more. But then why would they promise that they would be with you no matter what and then they too leave you, it hits to know this fact. I swear it hits so hard.

When all these things were happening from past few months. I was not complaining, I was standing still, strong and facing these problems all alone. But one day when I was tired of all this, I started crying and I cried hard…Calm myself down…Yet again I cried. It was terrible.

Someone saw me crying and said,” I thought you are strong.” So what? Don’t strong people cry? Don’t strong people also have a heavy heart sometimes? I am strong!

I cried because that was the only way I could make myself a little better. Let me heal myself by crying. Let me Heal myself in whatever way I want to. I am not ashamed because I cried. There are days when you feel awful, down and need a good lot of relief by crying. I am not weak because if I am, I would have committed suicide long before. Weeks back, months back.

So if you ever saw a person crying do not stop them instead tell them to carry on and when they are done with that. Hug them warmly and say ,” I am here for you. Don’t worry.” Even if it is a lie. It can make the other person’s mood a hell lot better. They need it really.

She has been shattered!

The tale of nostalgia has been constant since time. The issue which I am gonna talk about is a riddle which will always be unsolved. I don’t know which country follows which dominancy but where I live is the place where there is nothing like dominancy or on the other side there are people actually women who talk about feminism.

I don’t know what provokes people to get physically attract towards someone specially the ones who behaves like they are not human beings and ends up being stupid like they don’t know everybody has got the same body structure and systems. What actually matters is their soul , their mentality , their way of telling you and expressing themselves not the way how they look. But you will get stunned when you will realise something which she did. 

Yes! She was another girl from you. Just like everyone she liked to hang out and to make herself comfortable with all kinds of people , boys or girls but why doesn’t our society accept these kind of pure souls ? Like are we having a mindset if any girl or boy talking to their opposite sex then they will run away or are gonna get married with each other or just to get intimate ? 

No. Most probably the problem has been taken place in people’s mind not in their observations or in what they see. 

She was living yet she was all dead. 

Though it’s not always about being a victim or being molassed but sometimes it’s about how she collapses in her nightmares when she asks for help and she doesn’t find any source of it. She must not have felt the pain which someone would feel if they will have traumatic injury or road side severe accident. 

But that pain is just invincible. Such nightmares makes you feel you were actually feeling the same story and it was all real. 
I feel so lucky to tell people that what she saw was all her imagination and that made her over think about that situation so she ended up with the worst nightmare of her life. 

She felt the pain which a Rape victim feels when they get uncovered , when they get punished for something which they haven’t done.

When they get scolded for something they didn’t say. When they receive creepy comments and unusual talks which they don’t deserve. 

When they get slapped for not cooperating with them. When they get accused so badly and they get abused her for no reason. When they got their hair being caught so tightly and hang them around for no reason. When they are just supposed to follow their instructions like they have been feeding them since time. When they get the bad touch and disgrace which they never expected. 

What did they actually do ? Did they call them or they wanted all this to Happen ? And not this basically , which gesture does it provide to the one’s who does this ? Does it make them feel superior or did they ever realise that how bad does it look to be patronizing ? While they are actually being so dimwitted. Which respect or humanity does they show when they prefer violence over the person who can not fight back for themselves. 

Like are we not human beings that we can not understand the freaking pain behind the loss which we have been creating and the depletion which is being caused by letting the wrong people win and allowing them for things which are not just acceptable. 

The feelings which I mentioned was the abstracts which her sunken eyes showed , they were the lines which her dry lips couldn’t speak , they were the emotions which her almost broken heart told , they were the scenes which her body marks , scars and the blood clots showed. 

You know you always do not need to tell everything sometimes your expressions or your eyes are more than enough to make someone befuddled about the whole scenario , that’s what her presence did to me. Though , it was a Nightmare to her. But yes! That harsh reality made her feel the same accurate or even more Pain than being actually molassed. Sometimes you can feel the things before even seeing them or being the specific thing or person near by you. Yes you can. It’s human nature and that’s what I wanted to tell you. 

But that FEAR which now has taken place in almost every female no matter how they look , how they talk , how they walk or how they live. And when I talk about HER , that unrealistic sexual assault forced her to scratch herself from all around and to cover her whole body with clothings just to be a little safer so she preferred walks in afternoon instead of late night. She preferred crying all alone and waking in the middle of night daily and making the pillow wet by her tears , sweat and the ocean of unwanted thoughts which makes her feel shattered every night and haunts her so badly  that she won’t be able to sleep peacefully again!! 

YES , She won’t. 

Bad influence!

If you can’t do good for someone then also don’t do something heartbreaking for them or something from which they won’t be able to over come themselves.

If you can not be the flower of their life then also don’t try to be the thorns in their life.

If you can’t be the example of humanity then also don’t show up the negativity of yours.

If you can not be the God then atleast be a Human ,  don’t be the devil , don’t be the monster of someone’s life. 

If you can’t apply the goodness of someone or follow their good habits then also don’t adapt their bad habits. 

If you can’t help anybody then also don’t create obstacles in their path. 

If you can not say few good words about someone then also don’t spew such things which can’t be revert back.

If you can not say the truth , then also don’t lie to someone.

It will be better if you will stay quiet but atleast don’t mix the poison in people’s life. 

And if you say something then first understand and do know the consequences of what you’re saying. 
If you can’t help someone to let them stay then also don’t try to put fire in their huts.

If you can’t do dressing on the wounds then also don’t tease the wound and do not make it spread or get severe with time. 

If you can’t share someone’s pain then don’t be the reason behind that pain.

If you can’t be happy with someone then please don’t linger there. 

If you feel lonely in the whole crowd then be happy all alone. 

If you can not love someone then also don’t hate them for no reason. 

If you can’t be the lantern then also don’t be the reason of someone’s darkness.

If you can not offer them the citrus then also be afraid of giving someone poison.

If you can’t make someone comfortable then also don’t give them any stress because they are already fragile. 

If you can’t be the flower of their life then also don’t be like the thorns.

Don’t be like thorns.

On the path of truth , there may be thousands of problems but Yes In between the thorns their grows a flower.

Just like the sun , burn yourself with success and brighten up the whole world.

Be a Human being first.

Please Be a Human being first.
“And don’t be the bad influence.

Otherwise, someday you will also find someone who will do the same things mentioned above which will make you feel tensed. ”